In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
