when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
