who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
