The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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