I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Buhtt sex?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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