i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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