I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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