I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
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You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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