dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
