I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
