Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
