dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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