life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
