id be glad to
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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