I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
