a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
