I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
