Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
