It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
