Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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