go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
