Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
