I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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