You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
