my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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