Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
