i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
