We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
