I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
