just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
