How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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