Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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