I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
