How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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