I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
