I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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