I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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