im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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