no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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