i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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