I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
