did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
