jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I will die if light touches me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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