I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
