2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
