Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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