Where are you?
In a non slutty way
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
