I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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