Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
this will be a night to untag.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
