she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I looked at my own cervix.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
