I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
