I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
time to smoke my breakfast
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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