Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
