I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
