im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
COCAINE IS GR8
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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