the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
