quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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